6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.