Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.