What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.