*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
i prefer mine room temperature.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan