My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.