18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
This is what makes twitter great
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”