The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.