I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken