Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)