Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My flabber has been gasted.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
sensitive skin
Unexpected Judgment
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”