“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
how was your vacation
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.