I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.