If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me