We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.