If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Did my cat write this
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.