When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You Might Also Like
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran