Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Geez man, take it easy.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?