me when I see my crush
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Bike is short for Bichael.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Dear Lord..
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I need to get some bricks…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
crazy
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.