Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
what day is it?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”