Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.