If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Mhm.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…