when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: