Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅