Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
🐕🍷
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either