“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.