How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Netflix and you sit over there.