Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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just gave your address to some spiders
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?