cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You Might Also Like
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me recordaron éste meme
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Natural selection at its finest
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks