I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?