*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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Encore…
Yup.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.