someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Look at this
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK