Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Good morning, Twitter x
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The Assassin.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The prophecy is fulfilled
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg