my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
so, is there a mister shapen head
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!