Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Single and childfree like Jesus
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.