dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
new wife guy just dropped
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?