If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.