I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Dear Lord..
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.