There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.