My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.