My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Actually cracking up @ this
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.