I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.