A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!