Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No