I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
kids play hide and seek like
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?