medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
79.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.