Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Cats are still liquid.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me