“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot