no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.