Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?