Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.